Sex and the City Part II: More Like Sex and the SHITTY. I'm so clever.

KRISTIN DAVIS: Ho hum. So over it. My dress is the colour of nori and is making Annushka very hungry for homemade sushi.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER: I AM ALSO HUNGRY FOR SUSHI. Or anything. Do y'all think my boobs are being indicated enough, or should I just start pointing to them all the time?

CYNTHIA NIXON: Essentially, the same dress I wore last time, except now these bitches make it look hot.

KIM CATTRALL: I'M FUCKING CRAZY!

Random Hate

Dear lord, help us all. If the Inuit kayaked to the moon, I suppose they would wear these boots on the way. On the other hand, my boyfriend took one look at them and screamed "LEGO!!!!!" I suppose they're at least functional, either way.



See, in my language, this is translated as "STUPID FUCKING GODDAMN SLOGAN."



Sorry, what?



More like disco SUCK, amirite? Seriously, though, what's with the glittering landing strip? It's like a bukkake runway.



I think my mom owned this negligee in the eighties.



Oh, my god, WHY?! What is that, condiment-print?



All right, I kind of love this. There's a dress made of the same fabric that I would totally wear, because who doesn't love glorious, Pepto-Bismol ponies? The shirt itself, however, is hideous.



I'm biased, because I hate shorts, but these are so Grandma-licious. Not my grandma; that lady only wore classic Chanel and would have deemed these shorts too gross to even give to her maid.



Speaking of Grandma-licious...oh, well. I guess it's more convenient to wear a picnic basket on one's feet than to carry it by hand. SO exhausting!



Was this purchased as a boutique in Innsmouth, by any chance? Or is it meant as terrifically clever clubwear that allows the wearer to vomit all over their front without anyone being the wiser?



Another quote from the boyfriend: "LEOPARD TUMORS!"

I Hate Sex and the City

I really do, guys. I fucking despise Sex and the City. I love fashion and great big bitches, but I hate frigid headcases, whoever dresses Sarah Jessica Parker and Kim Cattrall, puns, and women who claim that licking old balls that have been fucking around on them is empowering. I've read the original column, and while I still find the characters unappealing and entirely reprehensible, at least there's black wit and some semblance of reality.

Regardless of my distaste for the show, I've seen every episode. My friends all love it, and it's more fun to sit with one's buddies and watch something terrible than to huddle alone in one's bedroom. Therefore, I kind of want to see the movie. I hear someone dies!



CHARLOTTE ONE: "Yaaaay, I'm so boring that I look classy next to these freaks!"

CYNTHIA NIXON: "Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god. Why am I so cold?"

KIM CATTRALL: "Thank goodness I anticipated the cooler weather and turned my down comforter into a party dress!"

Sarah Jessica Parker, however...let's look closer.


You know what? I actually like it. It's like she's declaring, "I'M THE STAR I'M THE STAR LOOK AT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Considering the enmity these precious vulturesses apparently have for one another, I think I'd make sure the rubberneckers knew which one was supposed to be the main character. I might even do it with a feather parfait stapled to my damn head. Well done!

I Love This Dress

Tadashi black shutter v-neck dress

I usually am a bright colours kind of girl, but I love this dress. The bodice is so elegant, the fabric looks lush, and the train is sumptuous without looking like it should be tacked onto the Empress Josephine. It also looks pretty boob-friendly, a major plus in my book. If only I had a governor's ball to attend or something...I'm not sure even I could rock this at Sunset Grill.

I Hate These Dresses

Holy freakin' eighties, Batman! I don't think I've seen such a tragic grey-neon combination since before Nirvana was cool.


I'm not sure why I find this dress so gross. Part of it is the colour- I don't like coral- but mostly, I think it's just reminiscent of a sponge. I want to clean my dishes with it.


A colour combination envisaged in Heck. Cadet blue and Starter Log orange? Not so amazing.


From the long-lost Carmen Miranda movie Tropical Thrift, produced to combat the pathos of the Great Depression, in which Our Intrepid Heroine makes a party dress out of some old sheets. Unfortunately, Carmen is attacked by a vicious dog who rips half the thing off her body, but our plucky gal straps on some tack-ass wooden beads and part of a donated curtain, and keeps dancing! God bless you, miss.


Oh, cool, I totally have this bathmat!

I Hate Heidi Montag's Shoes

I have never seen The Hills and therefore have no opinion on Heidi Montag. She's pretty hot, but to me she just looks like a less-lovable Mamie Van Doren. Her new clothing line, Heidiwood, seems as limp and boring as every other celebrity clothing line. However, I can't forgive her for this one thing...well, two things, I guess.


Hard to see the problem? Look closer:


ACK! What the hell ARE THOSE?! Are they pure rubber? Is that duct tape? Does she really think those match her dress? What is going on?

I ganked the image from DListed. Go there; it's fucking hilarious.

I Hate Gladiator Shoes

You guys? Seriously? No. Maybe this is a harsh way to get my blog off the ground, but it was partially inspired by these ghastly little numbers.

Now, I have a History degree. I love History. I watched the shit out of Rome EVEN THOUGH I had to wait a year between seasons because I can't afford premium cable and refused to watch it online. I know my way around Plutarch, have a love/hate relationship with Augustus Caesar- I'm an incurable Cleopatran- and giggle whenever I hear "Caligula." I know Rome, okay?

This ain't Rome. All roads may lead there, but these motherfuckers will get you nowhere.

CASE THE FIRST:

Okay. They're gross. The colour does nothing for me, I hate that kind of leather, and I can't imagine the fenced-in look goes well with that low heel. Sure, you can probably move in them, but what happens when you're raising your shield to block your opponent's oncoming strike? Those things look awfully slippery. I bet the buckles can really dig in and make a mess of your ankle, too, and on the whole they don't look that supportive. I dunno, guys- I don't think these would be all that helpful in the arena.

CASE THE SECOND:

It is SO GREAT that they let mental patients put their basket-weaving skills to a higher purpose. Of course, the issue here is that the wearer would look appropriately batshit.

CASE THE THIRD:

Oh, how I despise anachronism. Ballet wasn't invented for...oh...fifteen hundred years after the fall of Rome!

These look like little fighter spaceship, kind of. Were I less lazy, I'd photoshop a little Luke Skywalker head popping out of these boats o' hot mess...but that'd be a sad waste of a fine-looking Jedi.

CASE NUMBER THE FOUR:

What Norma Desmond planned to wear in her production of Salome.

CASE LE CINQUE:

This, however, I can COMPLETELY support. Gladiator sadomasochism porn? Well played, Vivid Video costume department!

Although I find these monstrosities utterly unwearable, they're everywhere these days. Until I learn to sew above the level of a three-year-old and blast onto Project Runway oozing talent and catchphrases ("Hot tranny make it work auf wiedersehn Wendy Pepper FEROCIA!" I'll scream, while Heidi and the gang makes me construct a fleet of Girl Scout uniforms out of dental floss and roadkill), I have to accept the fashion industry's latest dupes. I'm not buying this shit, but I did see a pair that didn't make me gag:



Granted, they're a little Heidi Montag and look like they could be purchased at Wet Seal. Okay. Yet, the shape is somewhat flattering, especially when combined with the heel. I like how that's tapered, too- keeps them from looking entirely like stripper shoes. Would I pay for them? Fuck, no. Would I wear them? Maybe.

Whatever you do, ladies and "ladies," try to find a different style of shoe. Something flattering, something modern, something graceful.

Something completely unlike the following-

Kingdom of the Crushed Psyche.